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Singer/Songwriters Freddy Freeman (founder of Bearapalooza, Out Musician of the Year nominee) and Kendall (LOGO video artist and 100% beef model) are hitting the road to promote Freddy’s album “Break the Silence” and Kendall’s new CD “Truth Changes”. Kendall has put together a mini-musical ,short performance piece of the album, and they will be joined by guests in different locations like Elijah Black, Jeff Altergott, Steve Reeder, Toshio Mana, and Tommy Johns. Many of the dates are sponsored by local bear clubs. They will be appearing in Albany, NY – Syracuse, NY - Rochester, NY, Chicago, IL – Detroit, MI – Indianapolis, IN – Columbus, OH – and Louisville, KY. Come out and see them in your area ! Get dates, times and venue locations at www.bearapalooza.com

Truth Changes Tour

Current Location: Home
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
Current Music: Dishwasher Suite
Kendall and I finally finished work on his new project “Truth Changes”. I first heard Kendall’s album Radar on Bear Radio in 2004 and I knew he was a seriously talented artist with a unique voice and vision. I booked him for Bearapalooza that year, and he surprised me by changing gears to Hip-Hop. Five years later, he continues to evolve and uses any genre necessary, including comedy and parody to get his message across. For the last couple of years he has wanted to release a collection that showcases every facet of his genius, from ear candy pop, to hip-hop, classic rock, ballads and a bunch of stuff I can’t even categorize. When he asked me to collaborate on his next project, I jumped at the chance.

I worked on about half of the tunes on the CD, contributing some writing here and there, providing instrumentation and arrangements, doing background vocals, producing and mixing some of the tracks. This has been a labor of love for me and I am incredibly proud of our accomplishment on this CD. Read the note from Kendall below about how to get the CD.

You can also still get my CD BREAK THE SILENCE at Woobie Bear Music.

He also has a number of videos on Youtube with more to come from the new album. BIGGAYKENDALL


I just finished my new CD TRUTH CHANGES and it's available in a digital format .It's been a very rocky road but I'm very happy with it. The material is varied ranging from Beatlesque to Trip-Hop to Classical to Funk, Electronic & Rock. You can listen to it here on my website which has a new look. www.kendallshead.com (go to music page to listen).

I produced the CD myself with Bearapalooza founder and artist Freddy Freeman Producing and Co-Producing as well. BEARAPALOOZA

The Cover and Artwork for the CD is by Killer Bob who is a fabulous T-Shirt designer and graphic artist. KILLERBOB

You can purchase the CD through WoobieBearMusic here in MP3 or AAC format. BUY TRUTH CHANGES

The printed version of the CD will be available within the next couple of months.

Current Location: Home
Current Mood: busybusy
Current Music: Kendall - Clothes Get In The Way
10 September 2008 @ 02:33 pm

My emotional self is still held to some degree by hurts, but it is time to move past that.

Michael and I have visions for things much bigger than these petty hurts over Bear Club Presidents and rappers with poison to spit.
What the future holds for Bearapalooza I do not know. I have no plans to dissolve it, but 2009 will see Michael and I focusing on two new projects.
One is an annual full weekend gay men’s music festival not limited to the Bear community. We are talking to a few men’s resorts about it and have one in mind here in Tennessee that we are hoping will work out. It will also be a fund raiser for our second project, an arts retreat for gay men. It will be a living space for the members of the board and staff, and also have guest rooms, camping space, an outdoor amphitheater and classroom space that will allow writers, producers, and artists to facilitate their own workshops at the facility. Our goal is to eventually be fully green, with solar power and environmentally friendly. We want to offer men a place to develop their art in a nurturing space that allows us to explore new definitions of masculinity and of family. It is our hope that men will experience something that propels them onward toward their individual goals and that they can take the experience home with them to form communities of their own.  

Our vision is big and a little scary, but this feels like our calling and what we should be doing. We are going be incorporating as a non-profit and trying to get sponsors, grants, and support from our community. We are going to try contacting gay celebs who may be interested in supporting it, doing major campaigns for sponsorship and learning how to build things, plant gardens, do electrical work, and numerous other things that we will have to learn. We are going to need all the help we can get, but we believe it is worthwhile and that there are those out there who will agree. Our next step is to come up with a working name for the place.
What does this mean for Bearapalooza? It means that if people still appreciate it and want it to continue, some of those people will have to take more ownership of it.
I am open to artists doing their own shows in their city and taking over the planning, booking etc. It could also use a good business manager. As I have said, I never expected to have to take on those kind of roles and they are not my strongest area.  
In a nutshell, if a Resort or Bear Club wants a Bearapalooza show, they will have to make it economically feasible, and I will need point people to take ownership of individual shows. If there is enough financial support to make it happen, I would love to see shows continue into 2009. I still believe in what it stands for, but its time for me to stop struggling so much and only do what is just “flowing”. Again I sound very paradoxical, but it makes sense to me. Basically my stance on 2009 shows is … If it’s requested and supported and I feel like it is able to happen naturally with help and support, I am all for it.

I am going to be talking to some of the artists and other supporters about how I feel and start putting out feelers to see if anyone is interested in taking over as the main organizer and producer of Bearapalooza. It would probably be better if it were not a performer actually. It still has the potential to have a huge impact on our community and its artists, but I don’t think I am going to be the one to take it there. I will always be involved and still perform when I can, but I cant be “THE Bearapalooza guy” any more.
So I guess that’s why I’m posting this, just to put something out into the universe and see if anything good comes of it. I don’t even know who is reading it, and I will eventually have to make a concerted effort to get these ideas out to my peers and community, but for now, during a lunch break at work, I at least wanted to put it out there somehow, if only on my journal for now.
Heres to moving on, dreaming big and never letting the bullshit keep you down. !
If anyone out there is interested in being a part of the future of Bearapalooza or our other projects; Talk to me!
09 September 2008 @ 11:30 am

It was scary to post like that, but now I am happy I did it. It’s my journal, and it’s my life.
The truth is, as much as this all hurts, I am not going to make a public statement and name names and all that. It’s only going to hurt me in the end, but I will be frank about what I feel in this forum and also if anyone asks me or questions me about a specific incident
I will state the truth simply and plainly and I will not censor myself for the sake of politics.

I think what I am trying to illustrate is that I had this internal struggle going on between “fight back” and “forgive and release”
Well, I think I have found a “middle way”. There is a way to release the pain, not be bitter, to let go of the poison, yet I don’t have to take any more either, there is a difference between getting bitter vengeance and just saying “No, it stops here” Anyone who continues to try to mess with me will get nothing but integrity, resolve and a firm smack down. Anyone reading my journal will soon learn that I often embody paradox. I feel empowered, and ready to defend myself, yet I don’t have to do anything. I will take action but not in the way I thought. Maybe I can’t discover an answer that applies globally. There will be some instances when I need to say something and others where I don’t. This is a new feeling. I wish I could explain it better, it feels like I am doing both, (fighting back and forgiving/releasing) It’s one of those Zen or Taoist type things that you cant really put into words, you just explain it enough so that those who are meant to, will just “get it”, so I hope Y’all get it, but even if you don’t, “it” is still “It”, gotten or not J
I am starting to understand what this is all about. Freddy Freeman, the man who started a music festival for and with his peers, the man seen as a community leader, doesn’t know what he believes or wants anymore, because he has spent 7 years defining himself by making others happy. Now he is realizing that he can’t possibly do that and that some people are getting him wrong and treating him shamefully.
I blame myself too much. I don’t take ownership of my own convictions because I have lost sight of them. Even though I make mistakes there is a huge difference between me and my detractors. I don’t do things out of spite. I give my heart, my blood sweat and tears for what I believe in. I had the audacity to create something without knowing what I was doing, not so it could become a business, but because I had a simple pure goal, “Help my brothers feel the newfound pride I had in my identity as an out artist and a Bear, I wanted us all to shine brighter together than we could alone”. So now my detractors want to say I am disorganized, unprofessional, and on and on. I had the balls to dream something and say yes to it without knowing how to deal with its growth, so I should be applauded and helped, not stabbed in the back. It’s not all my fault, and I will only own what is mine. I can be disorganized, a little high strung when things get down to the wire; I sometimes have a hard time with follow through. That’s why it’s called a community, we all bring our strengths and weaknesses to the table to create something bigger than all of us individually, and despite my shortcomings and setbacks, WE have done that. People say I have a big Ego, and guess what, I do want respect for what I’ve done, I don’t want it taken for granted when I help people out. A little appreciation would be nice. But Ego, if I had a huge ego and it was all about me, I would be promoting my own album. I still owe Greg for hundreds of copies of a CD that I am extremely proud of, it’s a good product, but I don’t know how to sell it because I have been putting all of my energy into booking benefits in town for local LGBT causes, booking shows for friends traveling through, putting all my time into Bear Clubs and Bearapalooza, looking out for all my peers because I love them. And the truth is maybe it’s also because I want them to love me back. Maybe that’s where I make my mistake, expecting to be understood and appreciated by everyone. Well, I am respected, loved, appreciated, valued by a couple dozen people at least and that’s going to have to be enough, the rest of them can go fuck themselves. I am standing up with no tears in my eyes, asking for no pity and simply stating, I do not deserve this. I have suffered enough. I claim my own worth, and I claim the worth of my “baby”. Many people see its value and if there are some that want to judge me, they don’t have to be a part of the magic we are creating.
 I’m a Free Man, loving who I am nothing more and nothing less than a Free Man, Free from shame, I claim my name, my name is Free Man.
Current Location: Werk
Current Mood: NEW
Current Music: None
08 September 2008 @ 04:56 pm

Dammit I’m mad

I am having the most base, vengeful bitter thoughts right now.

I have been trying for the past year to learn to forgive, to let things go, to not react

Yet a certain 6-10 or so people insist on creating problems for me, tarnishing my repuatation, and throwing shit at me. Insult after insult, lie after lie, betrayal after betrayal.

I cant believe all of the suffering and pain I have been through from creating something to celebrate being a proud musician and out gay bear and share that with my brothers. I knew people sucked, but I didn’t know just how much until now.

To all of you who feel they have the right to judge me and stomp me into the dirt, - FUCK YOU !!

As I said in my last post, I MUST do something, I just still havent figured out what that is going to look like or sound like.

Even though I feel the way I do right now, at least I have learned enough to not act from this emotional place. Right action is much clearer when we are calm

I will find a way to become a better man from all of this, one day may even feel blessed for having gone through it, but right now ? …… FUCK ALL OF YOU ASSHOLES FOR TREATING ME LIKE SHIT, BETRAYING ME, AND BEING CRUEL.

So hopefully I will be in a better place soon.


Current Mood: pissed offpissed off
03 September 2008 @ 08:21 am
I have had shit so much shit thrown at me for the past two years, yet publicly I have remained silent.
I have tried to be the bigger man and to forgive and rise above the bullshit, yet it keeps being flung at me.
I have come to the conclusion that maybe the universe is not trying to teach me to be forgiving and turn the other cheek, but rather to stand up for myself. I don’t mean revenge, I don’t mean bitter and vindictive, I just mean it’s about time I stood up and told the truth about a few things and I don’t give a shit who likes it anymore. Those that know me and know the truth will get it and stand by me, but I am sure I will lose some I called friends, I may even further damage my reputation in the community, but I don’t care anymore. I know I ma a good man who has created something of value and worth. I cannot say I have not made mistakes, but I can say without a doubt that I have never been deceitful, I have always delivered what I promised, and I have always treated people with fairness and integrity. I have to speak my truth no matter the consequences. I cannot abide the lies and misconceptions being spread about me any longer. The truth is coming out soon and I am naming names and not looking back. If some are hurt by the truth, that is theirs to own, This is not about revenge it is about claiming self respect. It comes to this, I draw a line in the sand and it will either strengthen my community projects or destroy them, but I am ready and willing to accept the outcome either way. If I am going down, I am not doing it with my tail between my legs and I am not doing it with an insane maniacal fight. No thank you, I prefer to speak my truth with integrity and sashay off the stage with dignity and grace with my head held high.



Current Location: Cubicle Hell
Current Mood: determineddetermined
Current Music: John Cage - 4′33″


Hey LJ bud's come Join, the men of Bearapalooza, The Middle Tennessee Bear Alliance and other area bear clubs (soon to be announced) for a Smoky Mountain weekend getaway in the month of October at Timberfell Lodge, Tennessee's Premier Private Men's Resort & Campground.

The Middle Tennessee Bear Alliance and other Bear clubs soon to be announced will host special events and member drives throughout the entire weekend

Bearapalooza returns to Timberfell again this year, for an incredible LIVE show with all your favorite Bear Performers from around the country. And they will also host a special campfire 80's sing-a-long.

D.J. Michael Carrera from San Diego and D.J. Cub from Nashville
will rock The Tavern each night at the "Bear Belly Dance Party". Which will be followed by an After Hours "LightsOut" Party at The Tavern

RoktoBearfest @ Timberfell Lodge & Campground, 
in Greeneville, TN

October 10th - 12th


Timberfell Offers a variety of accommodations from rooms to cabins and camping sites. This not a run, so all you have to do is just reserve your accommodations and meals, thru the Timberfell Lodge booking office @ 1-800-437-0118


*Paid members of host clubs will receive

a 10% discount on lodging fee.

Major airlines serve the TN Tri Cities Regional Airport and
airport pickup can be arranged. Rental cars also are available.

Timberfell Lodge is located
2240 Van Hill Rd. Greeneville, TN 37744

If driving, take Interstate 81 South to Exit 36. Drive north on Route 172 toward Baileyton to the Shell Station Truck Stop. From the truck stop, travel 2 mile, turn right at wide gravel drive, proceed through gate, follow driveway all the way to the main lodge approximately 3/4 mile.

Explore their website at www.timberfell.com  

RoktoBearfest at Timberfell Lodge in Greeneville, TN
October 10-12th 

Schedule of Events (subject to change)



  • 1:00pm-9:00pm, Check-in at Timberfell Lodge
  • 7:30pm-9:30pm, Meet in Greet social mixer/cocktails hosted by MTBA (tiki bar)
  • 9:30pm-1:00am, Bear Belly Dance Party I in The Tavern w/ DJ Cub
  • Midnight Bonfire 80's sing-along
  • 1:00am-3:00am, After Hours "LightsOut" Party at The Tavern


  • 9:30-11:00am, Breakfast buffet
  • 1:00pm-4:00pm, Meet and Greet social mixer/cocktails hosted by Bear Club TBA
  • 6:30pm, Fall Feast Dinner at Main Lodge (optional / meal included with room)
  • 8:00pm-11:00pm, BEARAPALOOZA (line-up TBA) 
  • 11:00pm-1:00am, Bear Belly Dance Party II @The Tavern w/ DJ M. Carrera
  • 1:00am-3:00am, After Hours "LightsOut" Party at The Tavern


  • 9:30-11:00am, Breakfast buffet and Happy Trails (optional / meal included w/ room)

    So BEARS get back to the WOODS and join us!
Current Mood: indescribableindescribable
Current Music: (Pandora) - Erykah Badu Radio
08 July 2008 @ 12:28 pm
I am very upset about a couple of things right now. 

I cant really talk about them specifically, but I can say that I am just so fucking tired of trying to do the right thing, examining myself, trying to see where I could be better while it seems people around me continue to get a free ride and don’t care at all about how their words or action affect me. Why am I cursed with this self awareness and this empathy that forces me to try to get past my own hurts and feelings of disrespect so I can try to see it from another person’s point of view?  Why when I keep trying to be forgiving and understanding and come from a place of love, do I continue to be shit on? Why dopes every conflict cause me to examine what my issues might be bringing to the table no matter how much someone has pissed me off or insulted me.?

I feel like I keep giving and giving and giving and I keep getting shit dumped on me. I have struggled so much to do good and to share things with people I love and they turn around and accuse me of being self centered, they ask me what I have done for them lately; they judge me and deny any responsibility for how their actions play into the situation. It feels like everyone else thinks they are just perfect, they don’t do anything wrong , while I have to constantly ask myself how I could be a better leader, a better partner, a better friend, a better man.

I am just so tired of having to live up to everyone else’s standards. Why don’t they have to live up to mine? I bend, because I want to grow. I forgive, because I love, I make an effort to be patient with my loved ones humanness, because I too am human and am not patient with my loved ones 100% of the time. 

I strive to have better connections, to create, to share, to respect, but I don’t get the same in return and if it keeps up it is going to turn me into a bitter cynical person who doesn’t want to see anybody or be involved in anything.

I want people in my life and my work who can forgive each other the petty human inconsistencies. Friends who can clearly ask for what they want and ask me to clarify if they took something wrong, people who can blunder and still come from a place of love. I don’t want these unrealistic expectations and judgments around me anymore. These people who are afraid to really communicate but will interpret something you said and tell all their friends who awful you are. I can’t have this in my life anymore. I cant live in a world of convoluted human expectation, gossip, conjecture and self-righteousness 

But - here’s my catch 22 - if I walk away and make a judgment about what behavior and words are acceptable in my life, am I not guilty of what I just complained about? 

Maybe not. I don’t expect perfection. I just expect an openness that goes beyond defending petty ego. I expect  people to approach disagreement or even misinterpretations from a place of inquiry and not from a defensive place of pessimism that colors the outcome for them from the start. I think there is a difference in what I am expecting and what they are expecting from me. Come from Love, Communicate Your hurt as an adult, Ask me for what you want, Forgive petty mistakes with knowledge that the relationship is bigger than them. Treat me with respect as you would want to be treated. 

Anyway, that’s enough for now.   
24 June 2008 @ 10:17 am

Osho Zen Tarot

41. Participation
Try Again

Zen Tarot Card

Have you ever seen night going? Very few people even become aware of things which are happening every day. Have you ever seen the evening coming? The midnight and its song? The sunrise and its beauty?

We are behaving almost like blind people. In such a beautiful world we are living in small ponds of our own misery. It is familiar, so even if somebody wants to pull you out, you struggle. You don't want to be pulled out of your misery, of your suffering. Otherwise there is so much joy all around, you have just to be aware of it and to become a participant, not a spectator.

Philosophy is speculation, Zen is participation. Participate in the night leaving, participate in the evening coming, participate in the stars and participate in the clouds; make participation your lifestyle and the whole existence becomes such a joy, such an ecstasy. You could not have dreamed of a better universe.

Osho Zen: The Miracle Chapter 2



Each figure in this mandala holds the left hand up, in an attitude of receiving, and the right hand down, in an attitude of giving. The whole circle creates a tremendous energy field that takes on the shape of the double dorje, the Tibetan symbol for the thunderbolt.

The mandala has a quality like that of the energy field that forms around a buddha, where all the individuals taking part in the circle make a unique contribution to create a unified and vital whole. It is like a flower, whose wholeness is even more beautiful than the sum of its parts, at the same time enhancing the beauty of each individual petal.

You have an opportunity to participate with others now to make your contribution to creating something greater and more beautiful than each of you could manage alone. Your participation will not only nourish you, but will also contribute something precious to the whole.



Imagine a non-profit musical & spiritual communal home/retreat for gay male singer/songwriters, artists and musicians.

Imagine a retreat where artists of all ages can come to connect, collaborate and learn from other men within their community.

Imagine a retreat where workshops would be taught on songwriting, music business, home-recording and much more.

Imagine a retreat where one could go to receive lessons for voice and instrument.
Imagine a retreat where artists come to get away from the pressures of life to explore their artistic nature and musical depth.

Imagine a place where one could go to produce and record their own original music at very low cost or for in-kind donation or trade.

Imagine a retreat that was completely self sustaining and fully green, and where visitors take part in creating the surroundings of the retreat. 

Imagine a retreat that supported a community garden and no kill farm.
Imagine a retreat where one could explore there own spirituality in a safe and loving environment.

Imagine a place that celebrated the music and spirituality of all who visited. 



Current Location: Werk
Current Music: Des'Ree - Mind Adventures
19 June 2008 @ 08:46 am

 I love the Aderall

It's not perfect, I still get distracted and hyperfocus on innappropriate things. I still sometimes feel weighed down by swirls of tasks in my head which I know need to be downloaded and followed in an orderly fashion. I still forget things,  I still have trouble focusing socially sometimes.

Heres the difference. I feel more HERE than ever before. This does not make all of the above go away, but it does make me able to deal with all of the above in a much more rational self-forgiving way, knowing that although they are still there, it is much more managable. I have gone, in my mind from being a complete fuck-up to being someone who is doign his best to deal with some cognitive challenges and slowly making progress. I dont feel weighed down with depression over it. I am somtimes impatient about it and want to see more progress,  but I am much more forgiving of myself.  Each day is a challenge to do better than I did yesterday,  not a another day to fail at measuring up to everyone else standards. It may seem selfish, but I cant worry myslef sick over the people who are oing to hate on me and judge me because they dont understand. The best I can do is apologize and explain to them the way I work. If I lose them,  I am sad but I cant beat myself up any longer. If people cant accept that I am doing my best, I have to let them go. This is not a free pass for me to do whatever I want and get away with it. As I said in my last post,  I expect people to expect me to follow through,  I just also expect them to have some perspective and patience. My brain gives me adavantages as well though. I am empathic, sometimes to a fault. I can emapthize with both sides of an argument and usually it allows me to find some middle ground and commonality between the parties involved. I can think of lots of great possible solutions to a problem. The hard part is implenentation. This is where we try to work with others who complement our strengths and weaknesses.  

Speaking of moving forward, I am glad I took 5 minutes to make this post, but I should be working, so I have allowed a small distraction, but now its time to get back on task !!

Till Later, Thanks for all the advice and support.

Current Location: WERK
Current Music: Alanis - Flavors of Entanglement - ROCK !!